The Nothing I've Become
by Wooffles
Summary: Songfic... It's a little J/A-ish but not primarily. After Ricci dies...


Title: The Nothing I've Become  
  
Rating: PG-13...to kinda be safe...  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine. If they were mine I'd be making millions in the world of TV and film and not sitting around at my computer like a crazy lunatic writing dumb stories!  
  
Note Thingies: No, I was not on crack when I wrote this. Yes, this is a Jack/Abbie story and by the way I'm proud of it. So if you hate Jack/Abbie pairings well don't read this!  
  
This takes place in the hours after they find Ricci dead. No, I do not remember the name of the episode and it's been so long since I've seen it I must be violating canon in some way, but who cares. It's not like the rest of you people don't do it all the time. That's the whole point of fanfiction to violate canon. So don't flame me saying, "You messed up this episode." Believe me, I know.  
  
By the way, this is a songfic to part of "Bring me to Life" by Evanescence. If you don't like that, well once again, DON'T READ IT!  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
  
Bid my blood to run  
  
Before I come undone  
  
Save me from the nothing I've become...  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
The car exhaust fumes fill the hot air and she can smell them from where she sits, but she makes no move to shut the window. In fact, she makes no move to do anything whatsoever, except to absentmindedly run her fingers through her hair and wonder once again exactly what had gone on during the past hours. Her brain cannot process any thought besides "Why?" But she does not get much further, because she still can't answer herself.  
  
"Why Toni? Why HER?" she thinks desperately. Collapsing on her bed, she tries to think of something else, but her thoughts keep coming back...to that moment. She doesn't remember much...except seeing the bodies...then leaving, because she couldn't take it. She had run...anywhere...run faster than she ever had in her life...and ended up here. Home, though at the moment nowhere could feel like home.  
  
Her apartment is silent, but outside she can hear the rush of cars on the street. This city...she'd never understand it. Where she comes from, when someone dies everyone knows them. The population's only about 300 and everyone goes to the funeral. Everyone's met the family at least once and feels the pain with them. Not here. Not in New York. More people die, more people are killed, or starve, every day here than the entire population of her hometown. And life goes on as usual. Nobody stops and has a moment of silence, they just continue living. Life goes on in the big city, the way it always has and always will.  
  
Life goes on? How ironic. Isn't that what she always tells herself? Life goes on. No matter what happens. You gotta keep your head held high and show people you aren't affected. You gotta be tough. Tough...be tough, she tells herself. Being tough means you don't let anyone or anything keep you down.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
  
Bid my blood to run  
  
Before I come undone  
  
Save me from the nothing I've become.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
He hears the sound of scotch pouring into a glass. How familiar that sound has become. He doesn't even realize it's his hand doing the pouring. He sighs, thinking about another night, rather like this one...only that time he was too drunk to even realize what happened.  
  
The emptiness he's been feeling ever since...God, he doesn't even want to think about it. That's why he got out the old scotch. Take his mind off everything...become nothing. No feelings, no intellect, no pain. Like an empty shell, and that's the way he likes it.  
  
Taking a long chug of the drink, he looks around. His living accommodation is a mess. He'll have to clean it over the weekend...if he doesn't find some excuse to work over the weekend, like he usually does. One thing he and Abbie have in common, they both love to work.  
  
He'd really rather work than anything else. He doesn't want to be a human being; he wants to be a robot. Robots can't get hurt. Robots can't feel love and pain. He's been more like a robot than anything else lately. Abbie had once accused him of being heartless. She was really one to talk...but, he did have to admit she was right. He liked to be heartless.  
  
Speaking of Abbie...he hasn't seen her in...  
  
He decides to give her a call, to make sure she isn't taking Ricci's death as hard as she seems to be. Actually, he doesn't even know any of that, since the only thing she's said to him since they found them was, "Excuse me." Then she had left.  
  
Without even thinking, he dials her number. No answer. He dials again. Still nothing. "Abigail Carmichael, pick up your phone before I come over there with the police to see if you're all right," he mutters. He dials her number again. Answering machine.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
  
Bid my blood to run  
  
Before I come undone  
  
Save me from the nothing I've become.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
The phone rings, again. Its sharp buzz startles her out of her only half conscious state, but she dismisses it as a telemarketer and ignores it. Well, just in case, she rolls over and turns on the answering machine.  
  
The phone rings a third time. This time her answering machine picks it up. She hears Jack's voice. He wants to know if she's okay. She makes no move towards the phone. What's the matter with you? She asks herself. Why are you acting like such a baby?  
  
She feels like crying. She doesn't remember what it feels like to cry. The last time she cried...oh yeah, that time when Billy threw a snake at her. She was nine then. She's twenty nine, now. Twenty years is a long time. When she had cried that time, Billy called her a baby. Well NOBODY calls Abbie Carmichael a baby. Nobody.  
  
She can't help it. The tears are streaming down her cheeks and there's nothing she can do to stop them. Tough...Billy had said...be tough. Well maybe she just doesn't feel like being tough anymore.  
  
Being tough means you don't let anyone or anything keep you down. No, being tough means you try to keep yourself from being human. Every human feels pain once in a while. Are they supposed to keep it all inside? She's been keeping all her pain inside for twenty years, now, and it's been keeping her from being human.  
  
"You workaholic robot!" That's what Billy said now. That's what he said when she didn't go see him at Christmas. That's what he said when she forgot to call on his birthday...because she was working. To keep her mind off everything...because Billy had said to be tough. The tough don't wallow away in self pity, they take everything in stride and go along normally when something bad happens.  
  
"That's what you told me, Billy," she whispers through her sobs. "You told me about being tough. Well, Billy, has your best friend ever been murdered?"  
  
She rolls out of her bed and slips her shoes on. She's going for a walk. She doesn't know where, but she needs to get out of this place. She feels caged. She feels like running wild, the way she did before being tough made her an empty shell.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
  
Bid my blood to run  
  
Before I come undone  
  
Save me from the nothing I've become.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Jack walks along, unaware of his surroundings. He doesn't know where he's going, but oh well. He'd go check in on Abbie, but he doesn't actually know where she lives. He's walking along with his head down, kicking a stone along the sidewalk, when he walks straight into another late-night walker. Expecting the worse, he looks up and finds himself face to face with his second chair.  
  
She looks awful. Her face is streaked with tears and, well, her hair's sort of a mess. He feels guilty for noticing this. In short words, she looks like someone who just lost her best friend.  
  
He remembers feeling the exact same way. Losing your best friend...there can't be anything worse. He wishes he could do something, anything, to make her feel better, but he can't. If he knows what's going on, nothing will make her feel better.  
  
Without thinking, he wraps his arms around her and lets her cry onto his shoulder. Her head stays there for a long time.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
  
Bid my blood to run  
  
Before I come undone  
  
Save me from the nothing I've become. 


End file.
